I had been struggling with depression in my final year in university. Well, I thought, it was just part of my life that I had to go through. Waking up was hard for me. Sleeping at night, harder.
I never sought treatment because I thought it was temporary and it would go away. The truth is, it never leaves.
The week before I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:
I struggled to sleep at night. I guess I was so used with having lack of sleep at night. As a result from it, I was barely awake in the morning. It impacted my working hour, where I’m most productive is after lunch. Morning time? I was moody to the max.
I decided to apply for leave for one day, a Friday. I knew I was battling depression since last year. But I decided to keep it to myself, thinking that time will cure. If anyone tell you time will cure your mental illness, they are lying.
I knew getting treatment for mental health is a privilege. But now that I had a job and I can afford meds and treatment, I took a step forward with it.
I remember throwing an anger fit in the car because my boyfriend make a joke. I can’t remember what joke is it about, but I was so angry, I was hitting myself, I’m shouting and crying. Anger fits usually last a day inside my body. Hence, after throwing a anger fit I feel so tired – emotionally and physically.
I had been having suicidal thoughts. Hopeless at times, and unable to perform well at work. I felt so dissociated from my colleague.
I felt like everyone did not need me and I should be dead by now.
Every night these thoughts haunts me and I could not sleep because I felt bad about work and that I thought I better quit my job. Because my progress was slow, I got demoted and I knew that I wasn’t doing well at work. More thoughts jumped in and I could barely breathe. I was drowning in tonnes of work and my experience limited me from doing my best.
The day I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:
I was so nervous and I thought of leaving the hospital. I waited patiently and the doctor asked questions. I predicted that I was only suffering from depression and nothing more. Living with Bipolar wasn’t in my expectation, but I guess it has been there since forever?
I was prescribed with Epilim and Olanzapine, mood stabilisers and sleeping pills, I guess. I slept so hard during the weekend and only woke up to swallow my pills. It had been quite some time since I sleep so soundly. Sleeping better makes me feel better.
My life now:
I still get upset when people raised their voices, or when their tones used are different. I’m so sensitive to people’s treatment towards me and I don’t know if they even mean what they say to you.
I am not sure whether to tell my mom, if she will ever understand. I told my sister and she tell me to “stay sane”. I guess I was so normal before.
Why do people tell me to stay sane when I have never been “crazy”?
I’m writing this article because I hope more youth gets diagnosed as soon as possible. Public hospital also do diagnose for mental health and it’s much cheaper. Reach out to your close friends who understand you. It’s a bumpy road but we will have someone to help us, along the way.
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