Beauty and the beast. That’s what I think of when I think of my OCD and me. My OCD is the beast, but I’m the one trapped.
I never thought I had OCD. I assumed that I just followed my mom’s footsteps since my mom is a totally clean freak. So I thought my behavior was normal. Everywhere I go, even when I go to the grocery store, I will avoid touching things. I always use hand sanitizers or wet tissues to wipe my hands. I feel dirty even when I actually don’t touch things.
The OCD became so much worse when I started college. I had to share an apartment with 3 other people that I don’t know. I was frustrated when they borrowed my things and did not put it back the way I like it. Even though most of my clothes are black, I need to arrange them according to color. Things got really bad when I didn’t want to shake hands with my friends. I felt really bad when I didn’t want to shake hands with my friends, or when I did, I needed to wash my hands immediately. This really offended them. I can’t sleep on my bed if someone else sat on it before. I have to wash the covers or spray it with Dettol wash to clean it up before I can use it.
Since then I realized that I have OCD. I will always tell people what they should do and shouldn’t do around me and with my things. Sometimes this really annoys them but I can’t help myself. I don’t know what I should do. All my things have to be done according to the way I do things. Even if there is a slight change, it really upsets me.
I’ve never gotten help. I don’t know where to start and I am embarrassed by my OCD. Even my parents don’t really understand what OCD is about and my friends say I am not normal.
OCD has affected my life so much. I can’t go out without the worry and the compulsions. People get annoyed at me and say “’ingt kita org ni pengotor sngt ke (this person thinks we are very dirty)’. This makes me feel really sad when they say this. I feel that I should not go near them. I mean, I have to work with them for school assignments but most of the time, I am always alone.
I don’t know what I would wish for. Maybe I hope I can mingle with my friends like a normal person.
Rin
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