I recently realized that all my fantastic multitasking skills, impulsive behaviors, my high level of constant boredom was not normal but might be due to inattention. I am highly distractible and the “zone” people refer to remains a mystery to me.It never bothered me much before, I just thought I needed to put in more effort. I saw myself as a lazy person because I couldn’t get things finished, or it just took a longer time to get things done.
I suspect that I have ADHD. Not severe, but mild to moderate, at least that’s what the websites tell me.
I pride myself in being an educated and informed person. So I went to a GP and told my story. I told him about symptoms exhibited during childhood. The impulsive actions such coming across two friends having a peaceful conversation face to face and knocking their heads together because the thought occurred to me to do it; the many unfinished projects; the need to constantly change my work environment to keep myself stimulated. I told him I see similar symptoms in my father. He listened carefully.
And then he asked me about my childhood. “Do you have any emotional pain?”
I was stunned into silence. That was an unexpected question. I finally replied, “Sure, don’t we all?”
He asked me about my past and questioned if I had forgiven all who had hurt me. He repeated the question: “How does forgiveness work?” over and over again. He explained to me that he believed ADHD is due to the mind not being able to process because there is too much pain slowing it down. What needs to happen is for the pain to be cleared so that all the “processing power” can be focused on the task at hand. The emotional brain is preventing the rational brain from working.
Then he said: “Now say it”.
I was puzzled. Then it dawned on me- he wanted me to say “I forgive you” to the person who had hurt me before. I explained that I already have and that I genuinely do not feel any anger towards this person.
My explanation fell on deaf ears.
He wanted me to humour him, to find the emotional release, to clear the pain and have my processor rebooted.
I felt trapped and had no choice but to obey him. “I forgive you”. He told me to take a deep breath. I took a deep breath.
He sent me away with this: Stop drinking coffee and take gingko biloba (RM 60 for 10 pills) to help with the side-effects of caffeine withdrawal.
I am frustrated at this process. An hour and a half of waiting and I end up with a health supplement. I am glad that he tried to help me, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling frustrated.
My story continues. I’m not sure what to do now.
CC
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