By Low Win Li
Just like how abuse comes in many forms, the abuser and the abused takes many forms as well. It can be in the form of a young person, a well-known businessman, an adored celebrity, the elderly person next door, that middle-aged person with the kind eyes.
There is no specific ‘look’ of an abuser or abused. Neither is there a specific gender of an abuser or abused. Both men and women, girl or boy alike can unfortunately be exhibiting or be on the receiving end of emotional abuse. An Australian study found that around 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience emotional abuse by a partner in their lifetime.[1]
In the same way, abuse though commonly addressed regarding intimate relationships, also exists in other spheres. This includes working relationships, relatives, friendships, and acquaintances.
When we hear the word ‘abuse’, we often first look for signs of physical abuse. Physical violence is often seen as being more serious than emotional abuse, but that perspective is untrue. Emotional abuse too, exists, and it can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
What constitutes as ‘emotional abuse’?
Emotional abuse is “any abusive behaviour that isn’t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation[2], which most often unfolds as a pattern of behaviour over time that aims to diminish another person’s sense of identity, dignity and self-worth.”
Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person.[3]
There are several ways[4] emotional abuse can take place:
- Verbal abuse
- Rejection
- Gaslighting: A specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory, or perception of something or someone.[5] Matilda, a Swedish artist and mental health advocate, clearly illustrates the ways gaslighting can be exhibited.
- Put-downs: This involves ranking and comparing. Examples of statements can include “if it was your sister, they would have done this for me” or “your cousin is earning 10 grand a month unlike this other person in the family.” Abusers also hold unrealistic expectations, expressing statements such as “if only you amounted to this other successful person (who I actually nothing of other than the image they portray, nor am I close enough to know this dream person).”
- Causing fear
- Forced isolation: This can include restricting a person’s time outside, controlling their free time, or telling them who they can or cannot spend time with.
- Financial abuse: The threat of one’s livelihood can be used to control and create a co-dependency on an abuser.
- Bullying and intimidation
This list itself is not exhaustive, as there are other behaviours that are potentially emotionally abusive as well. These include manipulation, blaming, trivialising, scapegoating, blame-shifting, projection.[6] Ultimately, all these behaviours come together to place the abused into a box: telling them what they can or cannot do.
Emotional abuse does not have to involve loud voices or big gestures for it to be real. It is also based on how a person’s behaviour makes you feel: whether it be lowering one’s self-esteem and confidence, stopping you from feeling independent, or suddenly being nice to you despite dismissing what you feel earlier.[7] VeryWell Mind lists several red-flag behaviours to look out for in determining if a particular relationship is abusive.
Emotional abuse is unpredictable. Abusers can contradict themselves, act two-faced, and deny facts – all efforts towards making the other person feel as though they are at fault for not remembering an event or incident correctly. Abusive people have the tendency to stir up situations for no reason other than to keep a person in line.[8] This can include spreading lies about another person, just to create havoc and distrust between the abused and others. The abuser would then accomplish what they always wanted: dependency of the abused on the abuser’s version of the story.
As emotional abuse may not be as obvious compared to physical abuse, pointing out the abuse as the main reason for its destructive effects on a person is another challenge. It can therefore be heartbreakingly easy for anyone—whether the person inflicting the emotional abuse, a third-party observer, or even the target of the abuse—to misattribute its damage to some other cause like unemployment or family stress or even blame the target’s prior mental state if he or she battled similar issues in the past.[9] The effects of emotional abuse affects both the physical and mental. The short-term effects include feelings of hopelessness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, moodiness, or various aches and pains.[10] More often than not, these effects can also be caused by other stressors. Hence, it is important to be educated and aware of its existence as it may be more difficult to come forward when it comes to mental abuse.
Long-term effects of abuse can include symptoms of anxiety, depression, social withdrawal, suicidal thoughts or behaviours, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). A study[11] by Casey Family Programs and the Richard H. Calica Center for Innovation in Children and Family Services, drew connections between emotional maltreatment in children with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and illegal activity later on in life. However, the report pointed out that the child welfare system was more focused on the prevention of physical and sexual abuse, rather than the assessment and mitigation of emotional trauma.[12]
If you take away anything from this piece, I sincerely hope this reminds you that abuse exists in many forms – not just the physical. Emotional abuse is real, and it can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
Do not fall into the trap of saying “it’s not that bad”, as this minimises the impact and creates a rose-coloured vision over a person’s toxic behaviour.
It shouldn’t even need to be said, but everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
[1] healthdirect. (Jan 2019). Emotional abuse. Retrieved from https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/emotional-abuse
[2] Counselling Center, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign. Emotional Abuse. Retrieved from https://web.archive.org/web/20141120190029/http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/
[3] Andrea Matthews LPC, NCC. (2016, Sep 26). When Is It Emotional Abuse?. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201609/when-is-it-emotional-abuse
[4] Reachout.com. What is emotional abuse?. Retrieved from https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse
[5] Sarah DiGiulio. (2018, July 13). What is gaslighting? And how do you know if it’s happening to you?. NBC News. Retrieved from https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-gaslighting-how-do-you-know-if-it-s-happening-ncna890866
[6] Emily DeSanctis. What Emotional Abuse Really Means. Onelove. Retrieved from https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/emotional-abuse-really-means/
[7] Relate: the relationship people. What is emotional abuse?. Retrieved from https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse
[8] Jon Johnson. (2019, July 18). What are the signs of emotional abuse?. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325792#unpredictability>
[9] Emily DeSanctis. Retrieved from <https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/emotional-abuse-really-means/>
[10] Ann Pietrangelo. (2019, March 29). What Are The Short- and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse?. Healthline. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/effects-of-emotional-abuse#effects-on-children
[11] Diana English, Richard Thompson, Catherine Roller White, Dee Wilson. (2015, March). Why should child welfare pay more attention to emotional maltreatment?. Children and Youth Services Review. Vol.50. 53-63. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0190740915000201
[12] Yanthy Yahya, Sara Oon. (2015, March 16). Study Suggests Emotional Abuse is as Damaging as Physical and Sexual Abuse. The Imprint. Retrieved from https://imprintnews.org/research-news/study-suggests-emotional-abuse-is-as-damaging-as-physicalsexual-abuse/9608
