Across the course of any close relationship, whether with a partner, friend, parent, or child, there will be moments when people misunderstand each other, get defensive, feel hurt, or say something clumsy.
One common misconception is that a healthy relationship is one where there’s little to no conflict, as though love should somehow remove irritation, disappointment, and disagreement. In reality, healthier relationships tend to be the ones where people can come back to each other, talk about what happened, and try to understand each other.
However, this can be difficult in the heat of the moment, when we’re feeling overwhelmed. During an argument, you might notice that you’re no longer really taking in what the other person is saying, even when they are trying to explain themselves. When the intensity of the argument becomes too much, you might feel tense, trapped, angry, numb, or desperate to get away.
Drs John and Julie Gottman describe this as emotional flooding. It refers to a physiological response that happens when we become so overwhelmed that we lose some of our ability to think clearly, listen properly, and respond with perspective. The body reacts as though it’s under threat, even when the “threat” is a difficult conversation with someone we care about.
Some signs of emotional flooding include:
- struggling to listen or take in new information
- feeling an urgent need to defend yourself or escape
- going blank, silent, cold, or numb
- repeating yourself because you don’t feel understood
- noticing a racing heart, tight chest, or shallow breathing
- seeing the other person in extreme terms: “always”, “never”, “they don’t care”
- feeling tempted to attack, withdraw, or fix everything immediately
The Gottmans have often linked flooding to Stonewalling, which means shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage during conflict. This is sometimes discussed as something men experience more often in heterosexual relationships, but anyone can become emotionally flooded. It’s not a male problem, a female problem, or a sign that someone is simply bad at relationships. Rather, it’s a physiological response to being overwhelmed.
This doesn’t excuse hurtful behaviour, but it does help explain why arguments can escalate so quickly. When one person becomes flooded, they might say something harsh, walk away abruptly, or go emotionally flat. The other person can then feel attacked, abandoned, or dismissed, which can flood them too. Before long, both people are reacting as though they need to protect themselves, rather than trying to understand what’s going on.
A few things can help when flooding begins:
- Say what’s happening: For example, “I’m getting overwhelmed, and I don’t think I can talk about this well right now.”
- Take a time-out: Pause the argument for at least 20-30 minutes, but agree when you’ll come back to it so the other person isn’t left hanging.
- Use the break to settle your body: Go for a walk, listen to music, shower, stretch, or sit somewhere that gives you some space. Try to avoid spending the whole time building your case.
- Remember the wider relationship: Try to bring to mind a time when this person was kind, loving, or well-intentioned, so the argument doesn’t become the whole story. You don’t need to feel loving in that moment; you’re simply trying to remember that this person has also been kind, generous, or well-intentioned before.
- Come back with one clear point: When you’re ready, start with the main feeling, need, or misunderstanding, rather than replaying the entire argument. For example, “I felt overwhelmed when you were telling me all those things at once; I needed space to calm down, and I’d rather we didn’t shout over each other. I’m sorry for contributing to that.”
It’s also important to avoid rushing too quickly to fix our feelings. After conflict, people often pressure themselves to calm down instantly, repair immediately, or produce the perfect mature response before they’ve even understood what they’re feeling. Anger, hurt, embarrassment, and disappointment need a little time to be felt before they can be spoken about properly.
The aim is not to stew for days, punish the other person with silence, or avoid the issue altogether. It’s to give yourself enough room to know what happened inside you before trying to sort out what happened between you.
It’s also helpful to remember that all human friendships and relationships are exactly that – human.
We all mess up sometimes: we say the wrong things, we misunderstand, and we feel all kinds of emotions in the process. Keeping this in mind helps to allow for some compassion not just toward ourselves, but also toward the ones we love.
