Trigger warning
I graduated December last year and I moved out from the big city I’ve been calling home for the past 4 years. Feeling lost and not knowing what to do, I decided to go travelling hoping that I would be able to find something: a job, postgrad, new encounter with God, self discovery, anything.
However, I decided to cut my travels short while I was in Indonesia because I was feeling horrible. Don’t get me wrong. I had a blast from all the adventures that I’ve had. I met new people from all over the world and did activities that I’ve not done before. It’s just that a sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness drowned on me and I could not carry on anymore.
I came home a couple days ago. One night during dinner, my dad was making fun of my low mood. I was upset but I said nothing. After dinner, I sent a text to the family chat about my mental health condition and attached several links and articles for them to read. I hoped that they’ll be able to understand what I’m going through but things did not turned out as I wanted them to.
My dad haven’t spoken a word to me since that text, my mom only knocks on the door to let me know when meals are ready and I’ve moved out from my room to an empty room because my sister is being weird and I’ve been edgy (I share a room with my sister). Moving out from the room isn’t a bad thing. After countless job, postgrad rejections and all that’s been going on, being alone is good.
I’m flying off tomorrow to get something done. I hope that by the time I come back a month or two later, things will get better. I can’t live in a house like this. I miss my friends back in the big city. They’ve been helping and supporting my throughout the whole time. Without them, I would have been dead for months now. I miss my therapist without whom I would not have graduated from university. Mental illness has put a strain on my relationship with my family. I wish that they’ll be more understanding and accepting of it. Mental illness has cost my academic results and my postgrad applications.
This is a situation and feeling I would never ever wish upon anyone.
M
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