People often view me as a “completely fine” person without problems of my own because they told me that my happiness was real as I always look so happy with the people around me and the fact that I rarely share painful situations with a lot of people means I’m completely all right.
They were wrong.
It all started in primary school, obviously I just thought it was just a constant sad feeling; until I realise what it actually was. Depression is something that can’t be described by words properly, many people have different views of it and it’s often treated as a “stereotype”; in the society I’m in at least. Most people would abused the word and it would [still] annoy me because depression is NOT sadness. I wasn’t diagnosed having depression because I did not visit any psychologists (because it’s rare to find good and truthful ones in KL) or doctors but I knew I have it because no “ordinary sad person” would have catatonia and would simply attempt suicide whenever there was a relapse.
When I was at the age of ten, I was body shamed by teachers and classmates when I was in primary school because I was an athlete and I had these slightly big calves and somewhat fat thighs. I was so sick and tired of the bullying, I couldn’t wait to graduate so that it will all be over. At that time, it wasn’t that severe yet… it was just poor focusing and feelings of worthlessness.
High school went on and to me at that time, studies were crucial and I always wanted to strive to be at the top. So of course, that’s what I tried to be. I forced myself to study and always had that perfectionist thought that I must score perfectly and if I don’t I would be really, really upset to the point where I felt like I wouldn’t be able to chase my dreams. That continued till 2016, when I had to take my IGCSE examinations. 2016 was my senior year, it was supposedly the best year of my life; it was only half true. Throughout the year my depression caught up due to family, friendship, relationship and academic issues. It was draining me out so bad, I had constant suicidal thoughts and restlessness and most of the time insomnia would occur and there would always be an appetite loss. I had lost my interest in piano, which was the most outstanding talent I have… and that shocked my parents as well as my close friends. I started cutting, it was honestly a guilty pleasure, I got so addicted to hurting myself I never want to not do it whenever I was depressed. There would be ugly crying, all the goodbye notes to my closest friends and all the breakdowns. It was horrible.
I always imagine depression being this tiny black cloud wherever I go and when it seemed like a good time to start up something it would grow and it would create thunderstorms and constant rain for weeks. Then, I would share my negative vibes with people, which made me lose friends which I was once close with. As I wasn’t such a brave person, I did not tell my parents. So whenever I was moody and I had this attitude up, they would always lecture me which made me feel worse; but it wasn’t their fault.
I literally thought that there was no hope anymore.
College life was stressing me out more due to assignments and the thought of being perfect for everything to maintain that 3.5 GPA and above scores. Some of my friends forced positivity on me and I was faking all the smiles and laughter till I was more depressed about it. It got all too much one day until I gave up trying to tolerate it. I’ve lost friends, the ones I care a lot, and my grades dropped. I’ve fought with a lot of people and they started to see me from a negative perspective, I felt alone and melancholy and I was getting ready to stab my heart with the penknife I used to cut my wrists with.
It was not until one day I realised I’m wanting all these things and I am doing nothing to help myself. I told myself with my conscious mind that I HAVE to stop all these negativity and painful thoughts. I knew it was going to be hard and it would cost a lot courage and hope to make this possible. I prayed to God and hoped for the best. So throughout the weeks, I did what was necessary for me: eating healthy, changed my mindset to a positive one and getting a well-rested mind. As the days got on, I got a friend with me and she helped me with my capability. I started improving myself by getting enthusiastic in what I was interested in again and motivated myself that with positive mantras and attending model united nation conferences, social parties and church conferences.
It wasn’t the easiest weeks, but oh, it was so worth it. I managed to get out of my comfort zone to socialise and I’ve made new friends and did better in the things that I’m doing. Yes, I know it sounds all very sudden, but all these things take time. It’s not like suddenly one day you feel all right and happy and it would remain as that forever, boom, depression is gone just in one second. No, it was so hard for me, I definitely did breakdown multiple times wanting to give up. But what kept me going was my consciousness to keep doing what I believe that will help me get better. Right now, I do still have those tiny sad moments, but hey, I feel really great. I am renewed. I love myself. I kicked depression’s ass. It can come back, sure, but I won’t allow it.
I believe that you may grab on hope for as long as you can or want to, but if you’re going to hope and do nothing about it but just complaining, depression will always hang onto you. I said that because this was what depression taught me, if you don’t love yourself… who will? Depression also thought me to trust the right people, you may have the good friends right now but when they see the darkest part of you… will they stay? Believe me, you got this. It’s hard, it takes time but it’s all worth it. All it takes to get better, is to realise what you are worth… and you are worth more than a diamond or a gem; you are worth a life.
Emily Yeap
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