Since the time of Sigmund Freud, psychologists have been interested in how much of our mental life takes place outside conscious awareness.
Freud developed his own theory of the unconscious, while modern psychology tends to use different ideas around automatic processing, implicit learning and habit. They’re not all describing exactly the same thing, but they share a basic observation: we’re influenced by more than what’s going through our conscious mind at the time.
For example, can you think of something you’ve done even though you knew, while you were doing it, that you probably shouldn’t? On the other hand, is there something you knew you should do, and genuinely wanted to do, but somehow didn’t in the end?
Psychologists sometimes call this the intention–behaviour gap. We can have every intention of doing something and still find ourselves behaving differently when the moment actually comes.
This is one reason insight alone doesn’t always lead to change. Insight is still important: if we don’t recognise that we become defensive whenever we feel criticised, for example, we won’t know what it might be useful to work on.
But even once we recognise the pattern, criticism can still bring up embarrassment, shame or a sense of being exposed. One function of defence mechanisms is to reduce that discomfort quickly, usually before we’ve had any chance to think about how we’re responding.
Rather than getting frustrated with yourself for “doing it again”, it can be worth understanding what actually happens when we act or make a particular choice.
An exercise to try
For a week, choose one behaviour you’re curious about and make a brief note whenever it happens. You don’t need to write an essay, a few lines will do:
- What was happening just beforehand?
- What were you feeling at the time?
- What did you do next?
- How did you feel a few minutes afterwards?
You might begin to see that you tend to do it in particular situations, or that the behaviour gives you some immediate relief or reward. Perhaps avoiding something relieves anxiety, or becoming defensive helps you feel less exposed.
You can use the same kind of curiosity with changes you want to make. Maybe you’ve decided to go for a walk after work a few evenings a week, but when 6pm comes around, sitting on the sofa and watching TV suddenly seems much more appealing.
Instead of than stopping at “I just didn’t feel like it”, think about what made the walk less appealing in that moment, and what you usually get from it once you actually go. Most of us will have had the experience of resisting something at first, then getting home afterwards and thinking, “I’m glad I did that.”
Behaviour-change research also suggests that intentions are more likely to turn into action when we make them specific. “I’ll try to walk more this week” still leaves the decision open every evening, whereas, “I’ll go for a 20-minute walk after work on Tuesday and Thursday” gives you less to negotiate with yourself when the sofa starts looking attractive.
What we consciously intend to do is only one influence on what we actually do. Habits, patterns, and whatever feels easiest or most rewarding in the moment can all pull us in a different direction to the one we planned. That’s why knowing better doesn’t always lead to doing better. The same principle applies to more complex patterns in our lives.
Knowing what we should do is useful, but if we want to change a pattern, we also need to understand it well enough to respond differently when it happens again.
