When someone is distressed, our instinct might be to help by offering advice, solutions or a different perspective. Yet sometimes what a person needs first is to feel heard.
As we mark World Suicide Prevention Day, Ronald Lee, who has served as Head of Counselling for two private universities in Malaysia, reflects on the role listening can play when someone is struggling, why well-meant advice can sometimes feel dismissive, and how responding with curiosity and understanding can strengthen our relationships.
Listening alone won’t solve every problem, but it can help create the kind of connection in which people feel safer speaking openly about what they are going through.
1. Why do people often respond to depression or anxiety by offering perspective, gratitude, or advice instead of listening?
I would first acknowledge that people who offer perspective or advice usually mean well. They want to help the person solve the problem, and they might see a solution or another way of looking at the situation. They want the person to feel better, so they go directly into giving advice instead of listening first.
I also think many people don’t really know how to just listen without doing anything – not realising that listening is one of the most important things we can do. They might feel uncomfortable if they don’t offer something, or think that listening alone is pointless – but listening serves a valuable purpose. We listen to understand the person’s perspective and what they are experiencing and feeling. Sometimes, that’s what the person needs before they’re ready to look at solutions.
2. What do you think people are trying to achieve when they say things such as, “You have so much to be grateful for”?
I think they are trying to offer a different perspective in the hope that the person will see things differently and feel better. They might think, “Maybe if this person focuses on what they have, they won’t feel so depressed or anxious.”
However, it can become counterproductive because both people end up trying to convince each other of their perspective. One is saying, “You have many things to be grateful for,” while the other is trying to say, “You don’t understand what I’m going through.”
If the person is already tired of explaining their experience, they can eventually shut down. They might pretend to accept your perspective so that you stop trying to convince them, and it might be that they don’t come back to you again.
3. Why can this kind of response feel dismissive, even when it comes from care or concern?
It can feel dismissive because the person’s experience isn’t really being acknowledged or understood. If they’re sharing how painful, difficult or overwhelming something feels, it’s jarring when the response they receive is immediately about why they shouldn’t feel that way.
For example, you might say, “You have a good job, a family, and a house – so what is there to be depressed about?” The intention is to help, but the person hears, “Your feelings don’t make sense,” or, “You shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
Sometimes people confuse acknowledging feelings with agreeing with everything the person says. Acknowledging can simply mean saying, “I see that this has been very difficult for you.” We can still discuss other perspectives later, but the person’s experience should be recognised first – that’s the important thing.
4. When people ask, “What good does listening do?”, how would you explain what listening actually offers someone in distress?
People in distress often already know some of the solutions to what they are experiencing. They know they need to rest, speak to someone, make a decision, change something or seek professional help. But knowing the solution doesn’t always mean they’re emotionally ready or able to carry it out. We can ask ourselves how easy it is to change our own behaviours and patterns. It’s not always as simple as choosing to act.
When someone listens, the person has space to express what has been kept inside – often for a long time – organise their thoughts and understand their feelings better. Sometimes, while talking, they reach their own conclusions or solutions.
Listening also helps the person feel that they’re not alone. So listening is not doing nothing; it helps the person feel understood and supported. Later on, they can consider what to do next.
5. What effects can it have on relationships, such as a parent-child relationship, if someone feels dismissed or imposed upon over time?
Over time, the person might decide to stop sharing. A child might initially tell a parent what they are going through, but if every conversation brings advice, criticism, comparison or instructions about what they should do, they begin to feel there’s no point sharing anymore.
That doesn’t necessarily mean the parent doesn’t care. They likely believe that giving advice is part of their responsibility and genuinely want what is best for their child. This can be where nagging and unsolicited advice come from. But to the child, especially an adult child, it can feel as though the parent doesn’t respect their autonomy or is continually imposing a view of how they should live.
It can be the case that parents might simply be repeating what they experienced growing up. They never learned another way of responding, even if they didn’t enjoy being treated that way themselves.
Eventually, the child might share less about their life or problems, hide their feelings, or turn instead to friends and other people. The relationship still looks normal from the outside, but there can be emotional distance. Trust can also be affected because the person no longer feels safe being open. Once they expect to be dismissed, they tend to protect themselves by not sharing at all. This might explain why some family gatherings can be awkward: everybody’s there, but the conversation’s superficial and careful, and there’s no real connection.
6. What might a more helpful conversation sound like when someone says they are struggling?
It can start with listening and trying to understand. Instead of immediately saying, “You shouldn’t think like that,” or, “You have so much to be grateful for,” we can say, “It sounds like this has been very difficult for you,” or, “Would you like to tell me more about what has been happening?” An especially helpful question to ask is, “Do you need advice right now or do you just need me to listen?”
As the person shares, we can reflect what we understand: “It sounds like you have been carrying this for quite some time,” or, “I can see why you feel overwhelmed.” In trying to understand the personal experience, we allow space for the person to feel heard. It’s not easy, but it’s helpful to put aside the tendency to fix things immediately – or think that the person needs fixing.
Sometimes, people want advice, and sometimes they need someone to listen. We need to be comfortable with not immediately offering a solution, because listening itself can already make a big difference.
