I’ve been spending late nights outside lately, trying to delay going home as much as possible. Trying to delay being alone, because being alone is being with the devil.
Whispering lies to my ears, lies that I know isn’t true. But what drives me insane is not because I believe those lies, but because it doesn’t go away. The voices follow me everywhere, waiting for every idle moment to creep into my head.
Home is the worst place to be. The voices ravage my every thoughts, seeping into every pore of my skin, suffocating me, eating me alive. I wish I could claw into my chest and rip out whatever it is that has been so rotten, so foul, so toxic.
But I can’t. I can’t rest. I can’t catch a breath. Every second that I’m not sleeping is torture. No amount of crying, punching myself in the head, or self-mutilation can make it go away, it could only displace the pain for a moment.
Every night I PLEAD for the thoughts to quiet down.
Please God just make it stop…
I don’t want it, I didn’t ask for it, I don’t even believe it.
I’ve tried so many things, so hard, for so long.
What more do you want me to do?
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
Just stop it…
let me rest…
let me catch a breath…
let me just, sleep.
BUT tonight, the first since weeks, is not one of those nights.
Tonight I can appreciate the good things.
I had an ass-kicking day at work.
I have a new socks with cat prints.
I finished season 3 of Black Mirror.
I started reading A Song of Ice and Fire.
I leveled up in Planescape Torment.
But most of all, I received a message from a dear friend, checking in with me.
She said she’s sorry she wish she can help. But she doesn’t have to.
To be told that I’m in someone’s thoughts, that someone cares, means so, so much.
At this point, it’s more that I could ever get.
So tonight I’m gonna cherish the few who stick with me.
And forgive the ones who couldn’t.
And apologize for being such a difficult person.
Tonight I make peace with God.
Hoping that I can can rest,
that I can catch a breath,
that I can get a good night sleep, for once.
MK Zainal
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