I am thinking
about countless pills, tight ropes and sharp knives,
like a soul with no road to drive,
bury my whole body alive,
look at me as I am broken pen drive.
Dear suicide,
You are among the negativity
that didn’t give me hopes,
but a bunch of tangled ropes
and blood that fill my daily envelopes
because my soul no longer can cope.
I always think,
talking about open wounds
will make humans come around,
but they only see me as scary clown,
like in darkest era,
when white people segregated the brown.
I am frightened to go outside,
searching for god behind the moonlight.
Society won’t give me any guide,
as I am ghost of the dark side,
died of bleeding wrist in a deep cut.
Dear suicide,
people wont recognize you as an art,
since my poetic justice wont rule
the poetry chart.
People said I needed a good start,
since suicide is my counterpart.
You never take me for granted,
not like people who left me fainted,
carved my whole heart till it’s outdated,
this is wasn’t the happiness that I wanted.
Still,
I ended up in ER
with fears and tears
looking at strangers that hated me in clear,
because God didn’t manage to kill me this year.
The funeral service that I set up
is a sign for our break up,
but u said,
I am not grown up,
like a boy that hides behind make up,
Accept me, let’s try to hook up.
Dear suicide,
you have no right
to crush my heart,
because I have right,
to accompany myself
with holy knights,
wanting you to
sleep and wrap myself all night.
Dear Suicide,
you know,
It wasn’t easy to tear me apart,
given rules like rituals in black magic art,
Voodoo pain wasn’t good for
transfusion of my blood,
because lovable reaper still got a heart,
saving my soul,
obeying the duty of God
that wants me to fight,
all day and night.
Awan Jebat
Awan Jebat. I am hostage of Borderline Personality Disorder behind the concrete prison of Major Depressive Depression as my soul inked with untreated scars bandage in stigma. I want to be a hero in everybody’s book with decoration of my art on the paper plane so, it could fly and reach others that are fighting the demon in them and break the wall of stigma built by society.
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