SOCIAL RESILIENCE
Making and keeping healthy connections
Being resilient isn’t about being independent. The ability to build relationships and sustain closeness is an essential part of being resilient. People who prize independence over connection often find it more difficult to bounce back after a negative event. Experiencing relational difficulties is also a common trigger for feeling down or anxious!
Learning interpersonal effectiveness skills is a core part of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan.
What does it take to be interpersonally effective?
1. Attend to relationships
An ignored relationship is a stale or dead relationship. If you want a relationship to grow and thrive, you need to pay attention to it. It does not mean obsessing about it, but it means figuring out what it needs to be healthy.
2. Balance priorities vs. demands
Priorities are important things you want or need to get done; Demands are important things others want you to get done.
If you are only doing what you want to do without concerning yourself about what others want, you will end up isolating them. On the other hand, if you only focus on what they want, your own needs will be ignored and overlooked.
It is important to balance priorities and demands. Things may shift over time depending on your situation or the other person’s situations, but it important to re-equilibrate when that happens.
3. Balance the “wants” and the “shoulds”
Wants are things you want that are not as important as priorities but still important to your well-being.
Shoulds are things you ought to do or you have to do.
If you only do what you want to do, you might end up neglecting important roles and responsibilities. On the other hand, if you only do what you should do, you may end up feeling hopeless, lifeless and resentful.
4. Build a sense of mastery and self-respect
Mastery happens when you are doing things that make you feel competent and effective.
Self-respect happens when you exercise your self-determination by being authentic, and having some control over your life.
Our three interpersonal goals
Our first goal : Gaining our objective (being assertive)
Sometimes we don’t know how to attain our goals or we feel bad for having wants in the relationship.
It is natural for you to have desires and needs in any relationship. For a relationship to be healthy, both persons’ needs have to be expressed and acknowledged in a productive and helpful way. Remember that this is a process, not a once-off action.
A DBT acronym for objective effectiveness is DEAR MAN
D = Describe the situation as objectively as possible, as if you are an objective third party.
E = Express feelings or opinions about the situations. No one can read your mind, so be explicit about how you feel without attacking the other person. Remember to take responsibility for your feelings by using “I feel” statements rather than “You made me feel”.
Assert wishes = What do you want? Don’t hint about what your desirable outcome is. Be clear and concise whether you are saying no, or whether you are asking for something.
Reinforce = Remember to reinforce people positively by telling them about the benefits for them if you get what you need; or there is anything positive they have done. The benefits should not be a removal of a negative situation (e.g. “I will stop being angry at you”) but an adding on of a positive situation (e.g. “I will be able to focus more on the things you want me to do”).
M = Mindful. Keep on track and resist the temptation to do too much at once. One goal per conversation is a good rule of thumb. Even if the other person brings up different issues, or changes the subject or starts being aggressive, keep on track by focusing on expressing what you want calmly and deliberately.
A = Appear confident. Being confident does not mean you need to be rude in a hierarchical relationship. You can confidently but respectfully express what you need to a superior or someone who is older than you. Confidence means you are sure of what you want, without backing down.
N = Negotiate. This is a tough skill to master as it requires you to be “thick skin” and say "Just do..don't care only lah!". Just because someone says no, doesn’t mean you have to give up. Alternatively, just because you don’t get everything you want, doesn’t mean you have not met your objective. Be flexible and think about what you are willing to settle for. You may also describe the problem again and ask them for some feasible solutions.
Our second goal : Maintaining our relationships
This involves skills of maintaining and improving relationships even when you express what you need and want in a relationship.
A DBT acronym for relationship effectiveness is GIVE
G = Be gentle in your approach (in your tone and body language).
I = Be interested in what the other person is saying. Listen without arguing or disputing. Be patient and value what the other person is saying. Don’t listen to try to pick up points to rebut.
V = Validate and acknowledge the other person’s view, perspective, feelings, and wants. Put aside for a moment that you might disagree, and focus on empathizing and reflecting what the person has said.
E = Easy manner. Use an easy manner. Don’t try to be controlling, or guilt tripping or pushy. It doesn’t mean making jokes or dismissing what the person is saying, but keep things light hearted rather than intense.
Our third goal : Keeping our self-respect
This involves keeping your sense of autonomy by behaving in a way that fits your sense of morality and gives you a sense of efficacy. For instance, if you always act helpless, you will develop a sense of self that is dependent on others and feel that you are unable to get things done.
A DBT acronym for for this is FAST.
F = Be fair to yourself and to the other person. Don’t take advantage of the other person, but don’t let the other person take advantage of you, particularly in a way that you are not comfortable with.
A = No overapologizing. “Sorry” is often used to sooth bad feelings, or to avoid conflict, even when we don’t feel sorry. Sometimes it’s used even when we have not done any wrong! Of course you should examine if you should indeed be apologizing, but don’t apologize for having a want or a need. In Asian cultures, it is acceptable and expected to open a conversation with the phrase “sorry”. In this situation, what we mean is that “I am sorry to bother you”, or “I am sorry to inconvenience you”. This is different from being sorry that you have a want or a desire or that you are merely human.
S = Stick to your values.
The more you give up what you value or is important to you, the less you will feel like yourself. Don’t sell yourself short by trying to make someone approve of you or like you. Hold on to your convictions and values. This warrants some examination of your values though. We don’t mean be black-or-white in your thinking, or that everything is an all or none situation. Sticking to your values doesn’t mean being rigid or inflexible. It is to help you figure out what is important and essential to you for you to be you.
T = Be Truthful
Don’t be dishonest or pretend to be someone you are not. Sometimes we might act more distress than we are, or more helpless than we are to gain someone’s attention or approval. This will decrease your sense of mastery. Telling the truth does not mean you need to be blunt and inconsiderate of the other person’s feelings. Telling the truth also does not mean that you need to be an open book and tell them everything. Decide what is appropriate to share and be honest in your sharing.
What prevents interpersonal effectiveness?
- Worrying about what people think of you, or expecting the worst consequences.
This stops you from learning interpersonal effectiveness but you don't feel happy in your relationships either. Consider what the best outcome might be. Change does not have to be drastic and interpersonal effectiveness does take practice. - Not having the skills to actually be interpersonally effective (not knowing what to do).
Consider working with a psychologist or counsellor on improving your interpersonal effectiveness skills. Having someone role-play and offer feedback might give you the confidence you need to try it out in your relationships! - The environment is controlling and does not accept interpersonal effectiveness. Although you might think the environment is unaccepting of interpersonal effectiveness, often we have not tried it out yet.
A useful book to read on improving relationships is “The relationship cure” by John Gottman and DeClaire.
LEARN MORE ABOUT EARLY WARNING SIGNS
