Ahhh, the smell of a fresh new chapter hangs crisply in the air as we turn toward a new year of goal-setting, ambition-seeking, personal development, growth mindset, learning new skills, picking up a new language, chasing that promotion, studying for exams, investing in relationships, and taking care of ourselves with plenty of exercise, healthy eating, meditation, sleep, yoga, and….
PHEW!
It’s exhausting just thinking about all that. But still, many of us face expectations of living up to all of this stuff and it seems the more we (appear) to be coping, the more we’re expected to keep pushing forward and take on more. We’re also encouraged – implicitly or otherswise – to pretend everything’s forever fine in our lives, on social media, at uni, or in the workplace, even when it’s not.
“Everybody say CHEEEESE!” *smiles in pain*
If you already feel this article resonating with you (fewer than 150 words in!) there’s a good chance that you, or someone that you know, might be experiencing what’s known as Stanford Duck Syndrome (SDS).
Now, it’s really important to know that SDS is not a mental health condition – but it does describe a bunch of conditions (which we’ll look at in a second) that can affect our mental health.
Coined at Stanford University, SDS refers to the concept of struggling to meet overwhelming or competitive demands while presenting a cool and collected image on the surface. (Now it makes sense! Ducks gliding across a serene pond, looking all Zen-like, while – unbeknown to us – their poor feet paddle like mad to keep them going.)
Although SDS was coined to describe students’ experience, the concept applies to anyone who feels a consistent sense of pressure while trying to remain cool and composed on the surface. Here are some signs that SDS might be present…
- The need to constantly compare yourself to others
- Feeling like others are doing well in life while you’re struggling to keep up
- A deep fear of being scrutinised or criticised for your efforts
- Feeling like others are deliberately testing you (e.g., boss, partner, teacher) to see if you “measure up”
- Having a sense of overwhelm but you’re not sure exactly what is overwhelming you
If this sounds like it describes your experience, you’re definitely not alone. Here are some things you can try to take the edge off the pressure of feeling that you have to keep pushing yourself:
- Go at your own pace: This might begin with some simple reminders such as, “What others show on the surface is only a snapshot – they have their own struggles, too”, “I am where I am right now and that’s OK. I can improve and grow but I’ll do this at my pace – not someone else’s.” Going at your own speed will help you avoid taking on more than you can handle and will help you avoid comparing yourself to others.
- Take breaks: Even ducks take breaks and sleep up to 10 hours a day! (They have an ingenious way of keeping themselves afloat while resting.) This might seem difficult if you feel the need to constantly be on the go, but if you can create pockets of time where you switch off and rest or do something just for you, it’ll help ease the pressure.
- Side note: I’m sometimes asked how I manage my time. On busy days, I include listening to music or a short podcast, use part of my lunchtime to nap or meditate, and try to maintain a strict cut-off time for work. I also check in or catch up with close friends or family members. Even if all this is done for 5-10 minutes each, the consistent practice makes a difference. Try to find what works for you and your schedule. On Sundays, I try to take the day off.
- Remember your journey is unique: When people give us advice, it’s typically from their perspective, “Here’s what you should do…” but nobody else lives your life. In that sense, there is nothing to compare. Someone has a better job/salary/wardrobe than you? Good for them! It’s great if that brings them happiness, but it says nothing about your own life. If you want these things for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with that, but see if you can come at it from a place of value and enjoyment rather than comparison and envy. We’re all eventually heading in the same direction, anyway, regardless of achievements or milestones… See your life as something to explore and enjoy on its own terms.
- Create helpful coping strategies: Come up with a few things you can use when you’re feeling stressed at work or uni. When we can’t change the reality, we need to look at ways we can give ourselves breathing space. Have a few things in mind, too, that you can do outside work/studies to remind yourself that you exist outside of these commitments: work to live, don’t live to work (unless doing so genuinely brings you happiness, in which case, more power to you, my friend!)
- Speak to someone: This advice will likely feature on most of our articles, but it’s a valuable reminder. Having a friend or colleague or mentor, etc., you can confide in is important. Don’t be afraid to share your struggles and talk about what you’re finding difficult. At the same time, remind yourself of your strength and ability to endure. You’ve come through 100% of your toughest days and challenges so far – give yourself credit for that, and know that there is always someone there to help if you need to reach out, including the team here at Relate Malaysia. You got this!
- Set clear boundaries: It can be tough to say “No” and set limits for yourself, especially if your self-worth mainly comes from external validation. In setting boundaries, you send a message to others that, while you’re willing to be available, there are limits. It signals self-respect for your time and what you’re comfortable doing. Some people might not like it, others might judge you; but, that’s going to happen regardless of what you do, so you might as well take charge of setting your own limits. Otherwise, people will treat you as though you are limitless and “always on.”
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