Question: “I don’t like my client. Am I a bad therapist?”
I have a client I’ve been working with for a few sessions now and I realise I’m struggling with feelings of dislike toward them. They presented with relationship issues (partner and family members), saying that they find it difficult to “be heard” and feel like they’re being “dismissed all the time.”
As the client describes their story, it just sounds like a pity party, and I know I should be non-judgemental toward them but it’s very difficult. Even in session (online at the moment), they’re slouched on their bed and not really engaged in the therapy process – it feels like I’m their venting buddy.
Each time I try to bring it back to what they want from therapy, they say something like, “I mean, I guess I could do with learning to regulate my emotions, but I’m not really the problem!” When I try to focus on exploring emotional regulation, they seem to go through the motions of the exercise or discussion before launching back into why their partner or family members are awful. It’s as if the client is looking for everyone else – including me – to make life easier for the client without them having to put in any work themselves or take any responsibility for themselves.
I do want to help this client, but the way they come across makes it difficult and the less judgemental I try to be, the more judgemental I seem to get.
Response from Dr. Chua:
This is a perfectly normal experience that all therapists will go through – it reminds us that we’re human rather than superhuman!
Of course, you aren’t having an easy time. You are trying to help this person, but you don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I think we often respond negatively when we feel helpless and incompetent.
Imagine if you were reading a story about a person who felt that no-one loved them and that every time they spoke, no-one listened. In reading the story, you have no responsibility or opportunity to help; all you can do is read. How would you feel? Watching their story unfold, you might begin to feel sad or compassionate, rather than irritated, toward the character on the page.
“It’s as if the client is looking for everyone else – including me – to make life easier for the client without them having to put in any work themselves or take any responsibility for themselves.”
Perhaps this is true. Might there also be a degree of expectation coming from yourself as therapist to make life easier for the client? Could that be adding to the sense of dislike as the client feeling stuck reflects your feelings of inadequacy as you try to help but fail in that endeavour?
Our job as therapists is not to make life easier for anyone. We don’t have that power. Therapists are guides, not God. As you check in with yourself, it’s worth asking, “What am I expecting from this client? What am I expecting from myself in these sessions?”
When you listen to their story, really listen to what’s been said (and observe what the client isn’t saying). Letting go of your own agenda, you’ll find it easier to empathise with your client. Because then the story isn’t about how your client isn’t listening to you or how you are trying and not succeeding. Instead, it becomes about your client struggling to live in and make sense of their world, and to be heard.
Reflecting on the therapy in general, why would someone want you to solve their problems? You said that your client feels dismissed and unheard. This isn’t the cry of someone who feels empowered but just can’t be bothered to do the hard work. It sounds like this is the cry of someone who feels helpless and doesn’t know where to start to make sense of their situation.
The vast majority of clients who come to see us want to deal with their problems and live a better, more meaningful life. That’s why they reach out to a therapist and seek help, so in that sense you both have the same goal. It’s worth spending some time thinking about your client’s feelings of helplessness and the struggles they’re facing, which are representing with you during your sessions together.
Consider listening and “problem-solving” (or the emotional regulation skill you want to teach) as being part of the same process. People won’t learn if they don’t see the solution as relevant to their situation. And they won’t listen if they think you haven’t really understood it correctly. In other words, is this your solution to a problem you perceive as the client’s therapist, or has the solution come from a collaborative effort and one that your client perceives as being actually helpful?
Empathy and understanding are crucial components of effective therapy. They stop you from seeing the client or yourself as the problem and instead lead you to ask, “How can we best work together on the problem that is presenting itself here and now?”
You might say something like, “We can wait until your partner and family members change but, that might take a long time. In the meantime, would it be worth exploring how you can feel better even if they don’t behave better? Would you like to work together on this? It might feel impossible, but I think we can come up with some strategies that would be helpful so that you don’t suffer so much. What do you think?”
Being a therapist can be challenging, sometimes to the point of frustration. Difficulties are bound to arise when we feel like we’d be more effective helping the clients we want rather than the clients we have.
As we learn to be more empathetic and patient with our clients, more often than not you’ll see that they begin to grow, and you might find that you grow as a therapist as the alliance and rapport strengthens.
0 Comments