My long fight with food

I’ve been a self-diagnosed bulimic for 4 years now. I’ve never really talked to anyone about this but the pain gets unbearable day by day. I’m hoping by sharing my story, I will find some help. I’m interested in hearing people’s responses that would help me deal with this.

It started back in Form 2. It was 2013. I realized that my sisters and my friends  had smaller figures and I was envious. I couldn’t fit into my sister’s dresses. So I thought, “Instead of altering the dress, I should alter myself to fit into the dress”. That’s when I started starving myself, which led to purging. I was even scared to eat a slice of bread. There were voices in my head saying I’m worthless after U ate. I just didn’t want to eat anymore.

This was an on-off condition since I sort of gained back my spirit at the end of the year. But it came back early Form 4 (2015), after my first breakup. My ex-boyfriend told me I was weird and not normal so I had a breakdown. I was scared to talk to people and so I avoided everyone completely. I busied myself and crammed up my schedule so I had excuses to skip lunch at home. I told my Mum I had my lunch but really, I didn’t. At night, I’ll have tuition classes which ended at 10 or 10:30. I would go straight to bed as soon as I got home so that I could skip dinner as well.

I thought of seeking professional help then but I thought that this is nothing compared to real mental illness. That I’m just another dramatic teenager looking for attention and that all this will be over once I’ve actually grown up.

It got better at the end of the year when I transferred to another school, but I never really got better. I’ve gained weight after my high school but I’ve been addicted to laxatives ever since and use weight loss supplements that focuses on reducing my appetite or burning fat.

Imagine being scared of eating a muffin, let alone a full-course meal. I’d take my chances to purge by vomiting it all out, or else I’d overdose on laxatives. I’ve been on/off with various weight supplements that makes my blood rush, anxious, easily triggered. Some supplements even give me mood swings hence making my depression worse. Looking at my weight, it’s never good enough. I hate myself more and more if my weight increases by a few grams. I have the courage to accept things the way they are but when it comes to eating, I have this urge to take it all out after I’m done.

People tell me i look good enough and there’s no need to change but that certainly doesn’t cure anything. Sure, a few compliments light me up but it won’t help me with this disorder.

My family doesn’t really believe in mental illness treatment. They believe most problems are solved by a prayer. They say that treatment is only for “actual crazy people”. They also say that I have caused all my sadness on myself because I do not believe in God. My friends know I’m picky when it comes to food but they know nothing about how much I despise eating and what I do after a lot of eating.

I get depressed quite often. But if my sister finds me crying or in a bad mood, she would blame it on my faith and say I should stop overreacting and that I brought this to myself. She would say other people have it worse, so I have nothing to be sad about.

If I had one wish..I really wish my dad was here. I wish he’d never had cancer and died so early. I’ve been surrounded by women all my life that I’m curious what does it feel like to be loved by a man. I was made fun of “not being loved enough” by my ex’s girlfriend after she found out I was begging him to stay. I’ve been called “cheap” and “worthless” throughout my life and it’s all because I wanted love from some guy I just met. I assume all this have wouldn’t happen if my dad was still around.