The title question for this blog post came from one of our followers on social media who asked us how they can set clear boundaries with their parents, now that they’re an adult and living independently.
It’s an important question, especially since many people feel conflicting feelings about their parents, and how much of a say they should have in the lives of their children once they’ve become independent adults.
As we grow into adulthood, it’s only natural that we want to carve out our own path and gain some independence. The twist is, of course, that our parents might still treat us like we’re kids, wanting to call the shots in our lives. This is where setting boundaries comes into play to help us strike a balance.
Included in our conflicted feelings about establishing boundaries with parents might be thoughts such as, “They’ve done a lot for me…but they can be overbearing”; “I’ve got so much to be grateful to them for; at the same time, now I’m an adult it still feels like they’re controlling my life.”
Part of feeling conflicted might be the guilt that comes with fearing we’re being disrespectful by setting boundaries. However, boundaries themselves aren’t disrespectful (there’s a very good chance your parents set boundaries with their own parents). They’re simply a way of setting limits that define a mature relationship between you and your parents, now that you’re an adult.
Let’s take a look at some tips you could consider when thinking of setting boundaries with your parents (or anyone else):
Be clear in your mind: How do you want the relationship with your parents to be? Having a sense of what you want from any relationship will give you a clearer idea of limits or expectations you’d like to set.
Keep it simple: When you’re talking about your boundaries, keep it clear and to the point. Explain why these boundaries are important, not just for you but for everyone involved.
Don’t read out a shopping list: You needn’t prepare a declaration of independence to be announced all at once. Boundaries can be set in real time as situations arise. For example, if you’d rather your parent didn’t text you every night, you can say something like, “I appreciate your love and care, but can we please ease up on the nightly check-ins? I’m good, and I’ll reach out at night time if I need anything.”
Stick to your guns: Once you’ve laid down your boundaries, sticking to them is key. It shows your folks that you’re serious about the limits you set. Your parents might need reminders now and again, and that’s okay.
Respect their learning curve: Just as you’re figuring out how to be an adult, your parents are trying to figure out their new role within this significant life transition. They’ll need some time to adjust to a new dynamic. Show them the same kind of patience you probably expect in turn.
Remember: setting boundaries with your parents doesn’t mean you’re slamming the door on love and appreciation. It’s more like putting up signposts as you navigate your own way through life. And it’s not just about you; it’s about maintaining healthy relationships and making sure everyone is respected.
Setting boundaries isn’t just okay; it’s essential for your personal growth and development. It’s a way to establish your independence while still cherishing the relationship you have with your parents. So go ahead, communicate clearly, and respectifully stand your ground. After all, that’s probably what your parents raised you to do.
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