When we think of Valentine’s Day (or any other special day), we often think about the grand gestures – fancy dinners, heartfelt gifts, or sweeping romantic surprises.
But what if the secret to a thriving relationship isn’t in the big moments, but in the small, everyday interactions we often overlook?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading experts in relationship science, call these interactions “bids.” A bid is any attempt to connect with your partner, no matter how small. It might be a question, a joke, or a simple comment like, “Look at this sunset.” How we respond to these bids can shape the course of our relationships.
So, as Valentine’s Day approaches, let’s talk about a gift you can give your relationship that doesn’t come wrapped in a bow: the habit of turning toward your partner’s bids.
What are bids, and why do they matter?
A bid is essentially a bid for your attention – a way of saying, “Hey, connect with me.” It could be a comment about their day, a shared meme, or even a silent gesture like a touch on the arm. These moments might seem insignificant, but they’re actually the building blocks of emotional intimacy.
The way you respond to these bids matters. You can:
- Turn toward: Engage with the bid positively, showing interest or care
- Turn away: Ignore or dismiss the bid (which is often unintentionally)
- Turn against: Respond with criticism or hostility
Research shows that couples who consistently turn toward each other’s bids are more likely to enjoy happy, lasting relationships. Over time, these small moments create a sense of trust, connection, and partnership. On the other hand, habitually turning away or against can erode intimacy and build resentment.
Real-life examples
Picture this: your partner says, “I saw the funniest thing on my way to work today.”
- Turning toward: You look up, smile, and say, “What happened?”
- Turning away: You mutter “Uh-huh” without looking up from your phone.
- Turning against: You roll your eyes and say, “Can this wait? I’m busy.”
Or imagine your partner sighs after a long day and says, “Work was rough today.”
- Turning toward: You set aside what you’re doing and ask, “What happened?”
- Turning away: You nod distractedly, barely registering their words.
- Turning against: You snap, “You’re always stressed – why don’t you do something about it?”
It’s easy to see how turning toward fosters connection, while the other responses create distance. And it’s not that we need to turn toward bids 100% of the time; it’s about consistency in being present and attentive to someone when they seek our attention more often than not. In other words, if we’re constantly dismissing bids, there’s a good chance it will erode the strength of the relationship over time.
How to turn toward more often
Keep in mind: toward isn’t about perfection; it’s about consistency. Here are a few ways to practise this:
- Notice the bids. Bids aren’t always obvious. Sometimes they come in the form of a casual remark, a joke, or even a sigh. Practise paying attention to these small signals and follow up with interest.
- Be present. When possible, set distractions aside. You don’t need to drop everything, but even a few seconds of focused attention can make a difference.
- Acknowledge effort. Let your partner know you value their attempts to connect. A simple “Thanks for sharing that with me” goes a long way.
- Plan for busy moments. If you’re in the middle of something, respond kindly but set a time to reconnect: “I really want to hear about this – can we talk after dinner? We’ll have more time then.”
Why it’s worth the effort
Turning toward your partner’s bids might feel like a small act, but it has a big impact. These moments create a sense of being seen, heard, and valued – things that every relationship needs to thrive. Over time, responding positively to bids builds emotional safety and deepens intimacy.
This Valentine’s Day – and any other special day – think beyond just the chocolates and roses. Focus on the little things that keep your connection strong all year round. Whether it’s pausing to laugh at a shared joke or taking a moment to ask about their day, these small acts of turning toward can be the most meaningful gift you give each other.
—
Need to talk? Sign up for therapy services here.
Keep in touch by clicking on the buttons below…
0 Comments