In a lecture titled Against Self-Criticism, the British psychoanalyst Adam Phillips suggests that, if our self-critical voice were a person who followed us around, we’d find them boring and wouldn’t want them around for long.
We’d soon find out that our self-critic was “impoverished and cliché”. In other words, it says the same things over and over, and rarely says anything useful – or even accurate.
To a degree, self-criticism is something to be pitied. Ironically, if we feel about ourselves that we have little value to offer, it’s actually the self-critical voice that lacks any value. We might feel that self-criticism “drives us to be better”, but research into self-compassion shows the opposite in that learning to be more understanding toward ourselves helps us perform well and “be better” (whatever that means…)
Interestingly, Phillips makes a point about how we tend to treat self-criticism on a collective level. Many of us are familiar with the paradoxical message we receive growing up: perform well, do your best, be the best you can…but remember to be humble and don’t show off!
In social communication, it’s a faux pas to express pride in ourselves or talk about our successes unless we temper it with suffering. Yes, I’ve published a new book…but it’s not my best writing. I got a promotion this month…but that’s going to mean more meetings and admin work for me. I’m going on my dream holiday soon…but what with the rising costs, I’d be better off staying at home. Oh, you like the painting I did? It’s nothing, really.
As Phillips suggests, what a difference it might make if we allowed more room for celebration of self and less glorifying the pseudo-virtue of beating ourselves with a big stick. Again, people might say self-criticism helps to avoid becoming selfish and more complacent, but once again, research points to the opposite likely being true. There’s a world of difference between recognising and celebrating our strengths and accomplishments and taking a “look at me – I’m better than everyone else!” kind of attitude. Self-compassion is less likely to breed egotistic views of the self precisely because it reduces defensiveness and the need to compare ourselves.
A good starting point is to get a clearer sense of how the self-critic actually sounds in your day-to-day life. Much of our mental life carries on without our needing to pay attention, but it’s helpful to get a feeling of just how often we criticise ourselves, particularly in comparison to others.
From there, the aim isn’t to replace the criticism with forced positivity, which usually feels shallow and inauthentic. Instead, try consciously inserting another voice that speaks in a more proportionate way. If a presentation didn’t go well, that voice might say, “OK, that didn’t go how I wanted, but I can see why it unfolded that way, and I can make some improvements next time.” Self-compassion doesn’t deny limitations or shortcomings – it acknowledges them, but without the need for piling on the self-blame.
When it comes to acknowledging strengths, accomplishments, or talents, a practice of self-appreciation can develop a sense of healthy pride without it spilling over into arrogance. For example, if someone compliments you, a simple “Thank you” without a qualifier (“…but it’s nothing, really”) is a good start. Or if you’re feeling happy about something you’ve done, give yourself some time to congratulate yourself on a job well-done.
Self-compassion can take a bit of getting used to, but it’s worth the effort to loosen the grip of an inner critical voice that likely didn’t come from you in the first place.
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