Never too late to recover

I did not know that I suffered from depression until it was too late. I lived a life where I was proud of having a strong sense of integrity, discipline and principles. But gradually, it came crashing down, the brick walls that I valiantly built was crumbling because the foundation was brittle.

I was triggered by a belief, which I took on as a challenge and I created my own vendetta. Over time, it became an obsession and when I couldn’t hold it together, I was thrown into a downward spiral.

It started with bulimia, orthorexia, anorexia, depression and anxiety. I seek counseling and I was adamant about myself being healthy because I was in control with my life, I ate healthily and exercise regularly but I was consuming less and less every day while I exerted myself to exhaustion. I didn’t think that my physical appearance was the main cause but it played a big role in my life because I was the type who people depended on and I live for that.

I enjoy giving love and I also love seeing people happy. I wanted to help people as much as I could and I was seen as a role model in everyone’s eyes. Yet, when they saw me what I thought was at my peak, they would still judge me. I became defensive and took offense at  everything that was said. I got confused, for a long time I didn’t know what to do and how to satisfy people.

Eventually, it became uncontrollable. I binged ate and then I fasted; I starved and I vomited. Little did I know that my body was deteriorating because it was craving food, something I cannot afford to give because it would mean defeat. All of the hard work that I built for myself was going to crumble and I couldn’t let that happen.

Then, the voices started whispering in my head, like I was standing in a crowd, having countless lifeless people whispering to me how unworthy I was to the world, my family and my existence. I was unwanted because of my failure, which drove me to self-destruction.

I sought help and I took medication but I knew that I could not depend on it forever so I started to heal myself. I tried many self-help techniques and found some which worked for me. Eventually, I was free from medication and learn how to ‘catch-on’ when it comes but at the same time, I learn how to embrace it which takes incredible strength but I know that my family and friends are there to protect me. I realized how fortunate I am to have strong  social support.

I want to let those who are affected know that you are not alone. It is hard to talk to people when you have trust issues and doubts, but I found that talking to someone, even if it doesn’t make sense helps. You are not alone.