“Mourning is the price we pay for having the courage to love others.” ~ Irvin Yalom
As we approach National Grief Awareness Day on August 30, it gives us a chance to reflect on what grief is, how our understanding of it has changed over time, and how we can support ourselves and others through its often complex terrain.
It can be useful to orient ourselves to the common terms used around loss. Grief is our emotional response to loss, while bereavement describes the loss itself. Mourning is how we express grief publicly – through funerals, rituals, and cultural practices. Although the death of a person is the most recognised form, grief can follow many kinds of losses such as the end of a relationship or friendship, the loss of health or work, the death of a pet, or the loss of safety and home through disaster or conflict.
Changing perspectives of grief
For much of the last century, grief was seen as a linear progression through defined stages – anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance – the implication being that there’d be a final resolution to our grief. Yet, people’s experiences don’t fit this tidy script. Lois Tonkin’s “growing around grief” model offers a more realistic vision: grief doesn’t necessarily shrink over time; instead, life grows larger around it. We don’t “get over” it so much as “move on with” the grief as we adapt to our new reality.
This idea can be freeing for those who worry that their sadness hasn’t “gone away” after months or years. It’s normal to have moments of joy alongside lasting sorrow, allowing life to expand without erasing the significance of the loss or the love that’s still felt.
Continuing bonds
In a similar spirit, the concept of continuing bonds, developed by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman in 1996, suggests that maintaining an ongoing connection with the deceased is both normal and healthy. Rather than urging people to “let go,” it recognises that love doesn’t end with the loss.
People often keep photos or mementos, celebrate birthdays or anniversaries, share stories, or even imagine conversations with their loved ones. These practices help keep the relationship alive in a new form.
Sigmund Freud understood this well. After the death of his daughter Sophie in 1920 and his grandson Heinnele in 1923, he was open about his inconsolable grief. Many years years after Sophie’s death, he still carried her locket on his watch chain and would tell his patients, “She is here.” In a 1929 letter to his friend, Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Ludwig Binswanger, Freud wrote:
“Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.”
Continuing bonds can be nurtured in simple ways such as keeping a personal ritual, talking about the person, playing their favourite music, cherishing a possession of theirs, or carrying some of their values forward in your own way of being.
How grief disrupts our world
Loss doesn’t just take away a person or a role – it can also shake our basic beliefs about how the world works. Ronnie Janoff-Bulman’s Assumptive World Theory (1992) describes how we all hold core beliefs about the world around us that help us feel safe and make sense of life. Major loss can shatter these assumptions, leaving us feeling disoriented and vulnerable.
Rebuilding a new worldview takes time. It might involve talking with trusted people about what’s changing for us, exploring spiritual or philosophical questions, or allowing time to reshape your understanding of life.
Adapting and oscillating
Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut’s Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement explains why, in grief, we often experience good days and bad days. It describes a natural oscillation between loss-oriented coping, when you focus on the grief and memories, and restoration-oriented coping, when you’re adapting (consciouslly or otherwise) to life changes.
One day you might feel engulfed by sorrow, while the next you might laugh with friends or focus on work. This back-and-forth is healthy, as it helps us adjust over time. While we might feel guilty about “good” days, they don’t mean we loved the person any less. This back-and-forth movement allows us to gradually integrate loss into our life.
Modern neuroscience reveals why grief can feel so overwhelming. The brain struggles to process the absence of someone who was always there. Its reward systems can “crave” the person much like an addiction. Memories may flood in unexpectedly and concentration can fracture. The body can also remain in a state of high alert, leaving us feeling exhausted. Over time, the brain slowly adapts to a world without the person, but this process is rarely smooth or predictable. Books by Mary Frances O’Connor provide helpful explanations on how grief affects the brain as well as the body.
Making meaning
Exploring another aspect of dealing with grief, Robert Neimeyer, a leading grief researcher, highlights meaning-making as essential for healing. This isn’t about forcing ourselves to see a silver lining, but rather integrating the loss into our broader life story in a meaningful way.
This might involve journalling, talking with others about what the loss means, creating art or rituals, or honouring the memory of the lost person through acts of service or personal change. It’s a personal, often gradual process of weaving the experience of the loss and what it means to us into who we are.
Supporting ourselves and others
If you’re grieving, try to be gentle with yourself. Express your feelings in ways that suit you – writing, talking, or expressing those feelings in another way that makes sense to you. It’s also helpful to reach out for support when you need it. Therapy can be valuable if you feel stuck, hopeless, or unable to manage daily life. John Wilson’s book, The Plain Guide to Grief, is a jargon-free companion offering helpful explanations of what you might expect during the early stages of your grief and as time passes on.
Supporting someone who is grieving starts by listening without judgement. Avoid well-intended platitudes like “I know how you feel” or “They’re in a better place,” as these can come across as dismissive. Instead, try offering genuine presence and practical support. Just spending time sitting with someone in their pain without trying to fix it is one of the most meaningful ways you can help someone feel comforted, understood, and to know they’re not alone.
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